Yet Another Co-Worker Crush: I’m a Hopeless Dork…

For a few months my work space has been in motion.  I moved out of my own private office into a cubicle, then into a shared office, a second shared office, a third shared office, a fourth shared office and now, I’m in a my hopefully final space in an office with four of us together.  I don’t mind not having my own private office; people were always in there anyway.  But now I’ve been sitting across from a lady who has worked with with me for half a decade I’ll refer to as Co-Worker M

This lady, M, is nice, funny and I enjoy talking to her, but she is very guarded with her personal life.  I know she has two high school aged kids and I know her husband and her spend every weekend supporting her kids sports activities.  But aside from that, she doesn’t expand on much of anything that would reveal details like so many of my other colleagues tend to do. 

When I first met her years ago, I did what I do with most people and cyber stalk on them.  I found her years old MySpace page from when she was a college party girl.  She was definitely a party girl.  And quite attractive. 

This lady has a beautiful face with really pretty teeth.  I asked her once if she had braces as a teen and she told me no, she had just been blessed with good teeth genes. 

She has one of those apple shaped bodies.  Skinny little twigs for legs, no ass but a very large upper body with huge boobs and a large mid section.  She dresses in jeans and large shirts that tend to hide any curves.  I can’t say that I’ve ever seen her in a dress, though when meetings require a little more professional appearance, she looks very nice in her outfits.  I would assume most guys might see her as heavier than ideal but I look at her face, her teeth, those big brown eyes and I feel my heart beat speed up. 

Of course, I crush so easily.  I don’t know why at my age, I still do this. What is it about me that makes me want to have more than a completely professional work relationship? If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time, you know I’m about to tell you how I did something really stupid. 

I had already told her in passing that I was Bi.  She didn’t even give it a second look.  As we’ve talked more over the months, I’ve tried to crack that nut of getting to know her better.  And like I say, I’ve been crushing on her. 

On Friday, I typed out an instant message to her:

“I need to tell you something. Super awkward but I just need to spill it so it will be there and we can move on. You can laugh, call me a dork or whatever.  I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but here goes.“ 

I sent it then looked over at her but she didn’t have her chat window open.   And then I got cold feet.

“OMG.  I so chickened out.  I’m a dork.”

I looked again and she was engrossed in something else.  I got up and walked out of the office.  When I came back, nothing.  In fact, for the rest of the day, nothing.  We had several conversations and I do not know for sure that she even saw the message. 

Yep.  I’m a dork.  I can just imagine that if it comes up I could play it off by saying that I was going to tell her that she had some spinach in her teeth or there was some toilet paper stuck to her shoe and I was just embarrassed.  But that’s lame.  I’m lame.


Top Visitors: Thank You!

I don’t hold a lot of weight with the little map tool that is added as a widget on the bottom of the blog page, but I do look at it every once in a blue moon.  This is what it looks like this morning:

So if you see your location, I’d love to know who you are. You can use a fake name, of course.  Use the comments or send an e-mail, won’t you?

Two For Thursday…

I seem to have a lot of sexual talk, but not a lot of sexual action.  You recall some time back I wrote a few posts about a co-worker I called, The Intern.  I called her that because she was in an intern program as a way of getting her foot in the door.  Let’s fast forward.  She is not an intern any longer but through a series of tactical moves, she is now a full fledged employee, though working in another office.  I mention all this because I know there were several of you who, rightly, were convinced I was playing with fire, what with her being an intern and all.  As a reminder, this isn’t some nineteen year-old we are talking about, but rather a woman with adult aged children.  Granted, she started early.

So throughout these moves of positions to get herself on as a regular employee, she and I have stayed in touch and in fact, my wife and I have gone out with her and her husband for dinner and such.  No sex; promise.

Thursday morning she sends me an instant message and immediately goes into flirt mode, but I can see that it is a way of getting me to offer her some advice.  She told me she has been having extremely vivid sex dreams about a former lover.  So extensive that when she wakes up, she is pissed that she woke up, and so exhausting that she is warn out.  Damn, I need to drink whatever tea she is having before bed.

The conversation goes on and we decided to grab lunch together.  She picked me up and unloads the story of this previous lover.  Too much detail to go into here, but during our drive to a local restaurant, she reveals that this is the BEST lover she has ever had, they just clicked, they would engage in four hour long sex sessions, to which I offered that I have immediately been eliminated as a possible sex partner for her. 

We went on to discuss things with her and her husband – he is a wonderful lover, just not nearly as good as this past guy.  No, they don’t have enough sex but it is because they are both tired all the time.  The usual married stuff. 

I asked her if her husband would give her a hall pass to get this other guy out of her system.  She just gave me the same look that most people in conventional monogamous marriages would give you when you suggested a hall pass.

We grabbed our food to go, then went and parked in the back of a parking lot at work.  During all this time, I realized that there was no resolution to this problem of hers.  It was clear to both of us that she was going to track down this guy and they are at some point going to fuck.  I spent a good ten minutes telling her over and over, “Do NOT go and see this guy.”

We finished eating and in between me advising her not to go see this guy because it will only lead to disaster,  we talked about the latest Hollywood and political “Me Too” business going on.  This will surely be offensive to some of you, but she told me it was all bullshit.  She said she just doesn’t buy someone coming back ten years or twenty years later and claiming a guy jacked off in front of them, and now it was an issue. 

And yes, I know you see this coming. I whipped out my dick and showed it to her, but only after I joked about it and she finally said, “Show me your damn dick.”

I really like her husband.  I really hope she doesn’t fuck this up.


After work, I got a message from the young couple I’ve written about.  The local folks who I’ve met in person to watch in action.  Turns out they were checked into a hotel for a night out.  I got the room number and in spite of traffic, I was there in under twenty minutes.

I had told them that I could only stop in and say hello and had to get home.  When I arrived and knocked on the door, she ws in the shower.  The husband and I exchanged pleasantries and in a few, the wife came out of the shower in her towel.  They were having wine and I declined the offer, since I had to get home, but I was there long enough to see her completely nude, and at the husband’s request, give her some light spankings on her beautiful ass. 

The husband and I pulled out our dicks and we actually did this weird pressing them together thing and the wife stroked us both briefly.  It was nice to have her tug on my dick, but I wasn’t going to be staying for anything further.  My wife was texting me to pick up some stuff on my way home. 

In the end, I offered them a nice evening and I handed them some money to pay for dinner.  They both declined the offer saying it really wasn’t necessary so I just left the cash on a dresser, and said to please enjoy.  The wife did end me a note later and thanked me (along with a picture of her blowing her husband.)

In spite of the horrible afternoon traffic, I made it home in time for dinner.  And that was how my Thursday went.

New Year, New Thoughts…

Well the new year has arrived and this is my first post of 2018.  I hope to be at least half as productive this year.  Last year it seems I posted 100 times.  Damn, I must be in love with reading my own words. Or perhaps I just had a lot of stuff to say. 

I probably referenced my interest in podcasts more than a time or two and am sure I made reference to Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast from time to time. I’ll continue that by telling you about the epiphany he helped me have as I was driving into work this morning. 

A female caller was complaining about guys she meets on dating apps who are content to sext and chat and message her, but can’t seem to pull the trigger on actually meeting in person to do the things physically that they want to chat and talk about online. 

Dan responded that guys (and some women) tend to have this inner sexual monologue that goes on all day long.  As they see a person or chat with someone via one of these apps, that inner sexual monologue continues on and now, that person knowingly or not becomes a part of the subconscious discussion.  If that doesn’t immediately resonate with you, then perhaps you don’t have this same inner monologue like I do. 

I’ve often questioned my sanity over this.  I’ve literally mentally drifted away during meetings because I’m imagining going down on the woman who is talking.  I’ve ridden the elevator with a woman and immediately incorporated us into a scenario where we are trapped in the elevator and are forced to have an hours long conversation in which she describes her sex life.

The inner sexual monologue is a constant in my life. Yet, as Dan explains to the caller, often men are satisfied with the mental conversation and happy for it to stay in the brain.  This is why a guy may talk a big game but put off an actual in person meeting. 

It also may be an indication that the guy fears that his talking game is better than his actual physical game.

Interesting stuff.  My problem is that occasionally, I allow these innocent enough personal daydreams to become verbalized with the people I’m thinking of. 

It is one thing for some guy to engage in sexting with a fellow traveler on a sex app.  It is a whole different thing to engage a colleague in your sexual fantasies. 

We often joke about that internal filter that keeps us from saying the things on our minds.  I feel like I’m usually pretty good at it.  But I also find myself mentally jousting between the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. 

And I guess that is why the Savage podcast has such an eye opening impact on me.  Even if I occasionally lose the battle of the internal filter and open up to a co-worker about my sexual thoughts (and again, I do realize how stupid that is) it occurs to me that I’m not really prepared to go beyond describing my fantasies or maybe showing my dick. 

I posted last week about stupid chat conversations I had with people.  What if any of them had said, “quick, come have sex!”

Would I have had the balls to go for it?   Well, obviously sometimes I do have the balls.  But still, these sexual conversations I have in my mind are better left in my mind and on this blog.

Season’s Greetings and Random Notes…

It is quite a thing for me to find myself with a few moments to myself and thus, I offer my free time to you, the readers who happen upon this place to provide you with some greetings of the holiday season and a few random notes.

If you are like me and are all sorts of Grinchy this time of year, I say, hang in there, it is almost over.  If you are the festive holiday type, I truly do offer the wellest of wishes to you and hope that Santa brought you something good.

Mrs. JFB and I had a very subdued, very lounge-like Christmas that involved very little movement off the couch and lots of TV.  I did go out for a nice long walk but that was about as much exercise as I could conjure up.

So, I did get an interesting e-mail in my inbox.  It was from a lady who said, “I’m working on a free mental health project focused on educating people about various everyday topics, and I’d like to link to your site;…”

She specifically mentioned the Links tab that I have and don’t do a good job of keeping up to date.  She then went on to say, “…none of the content on your site will be copied or spoken of in a negative tone.”

I did a little research on the name associated with the e-mail she sent, and it does seem she is a legitimate freelance writer.  I did give my consent but also asked in response if I had a mental health issue she was addressing.  I asked half joking, but never saw a response.

The funny thing is, since I’ve been blogging, both on this blog and former vanilla blogs, I have gotten numerous requests to use photos or quote things I’ve written.  I think it is great that people ask since I happen to know several professional photographers who constantly find their work stolen.

Anyway, I’ll be checking back to see in what way someone could find my particular jumble of links (mostly to Tumblrs) to be associated with some sort of mental health issue.  I’m not saying I don’t probably have some sort of mental health issue, mind you, so maybe this will be informative.

And maybe I should go click through the links and remove old broken ones.

Speaking of Tumblr.  I need to cut back.  I mean, really, I find it so easy to be checking my phone and just click on that app and find myself wasting five minutes here or there.  The problem is, when I see an interesting photo, I want to chase the link back to the original Tumblr and see what other interesting things they have.  This is going to sound weird, but I have found myself looking at foreign Tumblrs, including places like India and Pakistan.

Now there is no question that, as a white guy, I have a solid interest in ethnic people.  That is to say, darker skin tones, especially given that San Antonio is made up of so many Latina’s.  But looking at women from India, Pakistan, Turkey, Malaysia and so many middle eastern and southeast Asian places, I’ve found their amateur porn and pictures to be so much different, yet so similar to what people here do.

One example is, cuckolds.  I know it is not anything new and it was not invented by Americans, but holy hell, who knew so many Paki men want to watch their wife being fucked by another man? And of course, gay men.  I had no idea that in lands where being gay is a considerably dangerous thing, that so many men are blowing each other, and making videos of the act.

I have been attracted to women of the Indian and Pakistani areas for a while.  And women who cover themselves?  It is true that there is something so seductive about seeing a woman in a hijab who strips.  It is a lot more interesting that watching a woman at the beach in a bikini show her boobs.  In this case, it is a deliberate seductive act of displaying the forbidden.  Or maybe I’m just a damn pervert.

There is a downside of looking at some foreign stuff.  I have seen quite a few videos where I feel like either, the intent was to come across as abusive, or, it really was abusive.  An example being a man having sex with a woman who, when her face is shown seems to not be enjoying life.  Maybe I’m reading into it.  Maybe she is not enjoying the fact that he is fucking her while he takes video of the act.  But in some cases, it just seems like a bad situation.

I have to admit, I’m somewhat sensitive to that sort of thing.  My main reason for disliking commercial porn is the looks of anger on the guy’s faces as they seem to hate-fuck these actresses.  I get it, they are playing to an audience of angry young (or old) men who hate the fact that they can’t get any pussy for themselves.  But I’ve always asked, who could be so mad at having sex?  You are having sex, why are you so angry about it?

On the brighter side, I like seeing all shapes and sizes and bodies that will never make it to the airbrushed pages of Maxim or Playboy.  I just prefer people who have flaws and an extra few pounds.  I like seeing women who do not have the perfect complexion or men who don’t have 8 inches of cock.  If I’m being honest, I prefer men with five inches.  Bigger or smaller is fine, too.  But just saying.

I can only assume that the Tumblr game will come to an end before too long and I’ll have to find the next place to look at the pictures people post of themselves.

To all the people I regularly correspond with via e-mail, I hope my slacking over the holidays has not been too obvious.  I always enjoy the e-mails I get and I really do try to e-mail back as soon as I can.

In case I don’t post again before the 1st day of 2018, I’d like to leave by saying, good fucking riddance to 2017.  Hoping all of you have a wonderfully prosperous and sexually exciting new year.

The Right Way To Do It… Or Not.

The whole concept of my wife having a regular friends with benefits arrangement with JD has just become so routine for us.  And yes, I know they are more than just friends.  For some guys, that would be a deal breaker.  For me, I prefer there to be some commitment there. 

This life is not for everyone.  If you are a guy who has these hotwife fantasies, you really have to be careful that you may get what you ask for and then not be able to handle it. 

We’ve been doing this in some form or fashion for years, and I assure you, there have been some glitches along the way.  But now, after over thirty years of marriage, we are in a good place for this particular part of our relationship. 

Nothing is perfect.  Don’t believe those unbelievable Facebook curated perfect marriages.  You know what I mean.  The pictures are tightly cropped to show great bodies, all smiles and happy couples.  Meanwhile, they are probably sick of each other and only staying together for the kids and the mortgage payment. 

I’m not trying to suggest my wife and I are in a perfect world either.  We aren’t.  But this particular part is pretty damn good. 

I only bring it up because I don’t want people who come across this or similar blogs to point to this as the perfect way forward.  If you read the advice of hotwife lifestyle experts, you’ll see that my wife and I broke all the rules. 

First and foremost, we have been with people we know or guys I’ve worked with.  Most experts will say that presents too much risk.  What if the relationship goes bad? Now what?  Or what if the wife falls in love? 

Another rule we broke is that my wife routinely meets with JD without me being present.  Many experts say that is playing with fire.  But keep in mind, we’ve been doing this for years.  I don’t have a jealous bone in my body, so if I can’t get home from work in time, why should I stop my wife and JD from having a good time?

In terms of openness and honesty, I am a complete scoundrel.  I have this blog, a Tumblr, I have a dozen email confidants with whom I share my thoughts and issues beyond what I write here or share with my wife. 

I went on a nationally presented podcast and confessed to having a completely secret life my wife knows nothing of.

I have confided in people who know my wife, which is frankly my biggest sin.  That is to say, my wife talks to these people and has no idea that that person knows details about our sex life.  Or have seen my dick.  Or have shown me their private parts. 

To many people who engage in sexually open arrangements with their spouse, I think they’d look at us as doing everything wrong.  I’m just trying to point out to those people who read this, you have to think long and hard before you take a stab at it.  And then, you have to do it in a way that works for your relationship.  There is no real right or wrong, only what works for you.

About Last Night…

I have a friend, Co-worker C, the gay colleague of mine, who will not drink alone.  I guess he figured out years ago that nothing good comes from a lone drinker, sipping beers and contemplating life. 

My wife and I did a shrimp boil for dinner. It was our first time trying the recipe and it was great, especially with the beers we drank along with the shrimp, sausage, potatoes and such. 

After dinner we retreated to the hot tub for an hour of more drinking and talk.  From there, we headed to the bedroom for some Friday night sex followed by showers and then made our way upstairs to watch TV before bed. 

Instead of our normal shows, there was a basketball game on and this is where things went awry.  I decided to watch the game and drink several more beers and she opted to make phone calls. 

My first bad act was that while she was on the phone with her sister, I proceeded to have a conversation with that same sister where I confessed that I wanted to go down on her. 

Yep.  While my wife was talking to her. 

The sister shut me down and told me to delete the conversation which I did.  I’ll apologize to her today. 

Next, I had a conversation with the daughter of the late Co-Worker Rick.  That was a legitimate conversation with no sexual overtones, but she is 23 and cute, so I’m sure if there had been an opening, I would have gone there.  Pure creeper. 

At some point my wife decided to go to bed.  I should have joined her but instead I had one more beer and when I saw a friend of my wife’s online, I started chatting with her.  She got flirty fast.  Who says women don’t initiate these conversations? 

She sent me her boobs and I sent her my dick.  Well, now I know.  She’d be down to fuck if the opportunity presented itself, but I doubt that will ever happen. 

I deleted that conversation and moved on.  Next a chatted with my wife’s other sister.  No sex there, but it was a nice friendly chat. 

Finally, I started a conversation with a friend from my vanilla life.  I regretted it immediately because I realized I had nothing to say to her that didn’t involve sexual questions.  So I moved on and went to bed. 

I would say that I certainly was not drunk in the sense of people getting liquored up and doing stupid things, but I was tipsy.  And I rarely have conversations like I did last night.  I need to tuck my phone away somewhere the next time I have a few beers.