New Year, New Thoughts…

Well the new year has arrived and this is my first post of 2018.  I hope to be at least half as productive this year.  Last year it seems I posted 100 times.  Damn, I must be in love with reading my own words. Or perhaps I just had a lot of stuff to say. 

I probably referenced my interest in podcasts more than a time or two and am sure I made reference to Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast from time to time. I’ll continue that by telling you about the epiphany he helped me have as I was driving into work this morning. 

A female caller was complaining about guys she meets on dating apps who are content to sext and chat and message her, but can’t seem to pull the trigger on actually meeting in person to do the things physically that they want to chat and talk about online. 

Dan responded that guys (and some women) tend to have this inner sexual monologue that goes on all day long.  As they see a person or chat with someone via one of these apps, that inner sexual monologue continues on and now, that person knowingly or not becomes a part of the subconscious discussion.  If that doesn’t immediately resonate with you, then perhaps you don’t have this same inner monologue like I do. 

I’ve often questioned my sanity over this.  I’ve literally mentally drifted away during meetings because I’m imagining going down on the woman who is talking.  I’ve ridden the elevator with a woman and immediately incorporated us into a scenario where we are trapped in the elevator and are forced to have an hours long conversation in which she describes her sex life.

The inner sexual monologue is a constant in my life. Yet, as Dan explains to the caller, often men are satisfied with the mental conversation and happy for it to stay in the brain.  This is why a guy may talk a big game but put off an actual in person meeting. 

It also may be an indication that the guy fears that his talking game is better than his actual physical game.

Interesting stuff.  My problem is that occasionally, I allow these innocent enough personal daydreams to become verbalized with the people I’m thinking of. 

It is one thing for some guy to engage in sexting with a fellow traveler on a sex app.  It is a whole different thing to engage a colleague in your sexual fantasies. 

We often joke about that internal filter that keeps us from saying the things on our minds.  I feel like I’m usually pretty good at it.  But I also find myself mentally jousting between the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. 

And I guess that is why the Savage podcast has such an eye opening impact on me.  Even if I occasionally lose the battle of the internal filter and open up to a co-worker about my sexual thoughts (and again, I do realize how stupid that is) it occurs to me that I’m not really prepared to go beyond describing my fantasies or maybe showing my dick. 

I posted last week about stupid chat conversations I had with people.  What if any of them had said, “quick, come have sex!”

Would I have had the balls to go for it?   Well, obviously sometimes I do have the balls.  But still, these sexual conversations I have in my mind are better left in my mind and on this blog.

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Guilt and No Guilt…

On the latest Savage Lovecast, a caller was saying that she and her husband had worked out the perfect sexual arrangement whereby they engage in kinky playtime with other couples or little open encounters with others.  They are open and honest with each other, never look down on the other person’s suggestions and such. Up until she revealed her problem, it sounded like the perfect situation.

So what’s the problem? The husband it turns out enjoys the fun they have but then feels super guilty after the fact.  He isn’t upset that the wife fucked someone else or anything like that, he just feels personal guilt for the non-traditional sex they have and he can only relieve himself of this guilt by going to Catholic confession.

I could translate this discussion to the fun times we have with JD, given that while my wife and I are completely comfortable with everything happening, perhaps we should feel guilt that Mrs. JD is not a consenting player in this game.  But we’ve discussed that and frankly, no guilt there.

My guilt is based upon the level of secrecy that I maintain from my wife with regards to this blog and the online friendships I engage in without her knowledge.  A friend asked, given the new level of openness in our relationship, why I don’t just come clean and reveal it all.  Have that uncomfortable conversation about the fact that I’ve blogged about our sex activities for years; that I’ve posted pics of her boobs or written posts where I have had negative things to say.

You will note that I don’t describe any guilt for any extracurricular sexual hijinx I’ve engaged in and there is good reason for that.  Simply put, as I’ve described here before, she knows to some extent that I do “things”, and she has repeatedly stated that her comfort level is best maintained if she doesn’t know.  So if I suck a dick, that isn’t something I will tell her about and I won’t feel guilty about it for even a moment.

This blog though.  It isn’t like a personal journal that I keep hidden on a password protected thumbdrive, locked in a box and hidden in a closet.  People who know my wife personally have read many of the things I’ve written.  Of course, we are each allowed to have our own take on the things we experience.  If two people go on a date, they each own their opinion about how the date went and as such, they each can share that perception of the events with others.  I own my feelings about our sex life but where I cross the line for sure is when I make the details of such a personal thing known to people who know her, and in such a public way.  I think anyway.  Surely I would be in better standing with my conscience if I only spoke to strangers who never had a clue about either of us.

But then again, have you ever shared details of your sex life with your spouse without his or her knowledge, to a mutual friend?  He has a small dick or she has a smelly pussy.  I mean, surely these conversations happen, right?

I don’t know.

I’ve had this desire recently to talk in person to like minded people.  With my wife engaged in the conversation.  I like the idea of attending a so-called Munch or similar meeting of sexual people where, the intent isn’t to hook up for sex but rather openly discuss the type of marriage we have.

I imagine sitting in a library meeting room or perhaps a private area in a coffee shop where, not unlike an AA meeting, we step forward and say we have a marriage that is not the cookie cutter normal one.  One where I openly state I’m bi and where my wife openly states she has a boyfriend who she fucks either with me present or without.  In my mind, other couples would say, yea, we do it slightly different, but we are not strictly monogamous either.

We could ask different questions – how do you deal with your children, neighbors, family?  The could ask us, does the wife like the husband sucking dick?

I don’t know what I would get out of such a discussion other than to demonstrate to my wife and to myself that there is value in sharing with others and receiving different views on the topic.

So I have a question, readers.  Has anyone been to such a group?